Dear Mr. President:

    I heard you address the nation Monday night about guest workers and amnesty.

    I’ve been studying up on some of the coincidences and contradictions in your positions. The other day I stumbled on an interesting item on the Internet. I learned in the book you wrote, A Charge To Keep, that Amazing Grace is your favorite hymn.

Well, George (may I call you George?), I thought about it for a minute and realized how odd that you should like that hymn.

When you think about it there’s certain symmetry you may not be aware of.

Here’s this marvelous hymn, written by John Newton who in his early life was a slave trader, a profiteer from the evil and misery that results from forcing people into a life of slavery.

Several variations of his story are told. But the rough outline is that after a near brush with death on a passenger ship that nearly sank, Newton wrote Amazing Grace.

According to one version, Newton ’s experience immediately opened his eyes to slavery’s evil.

Whatever the truth is, the fact is that Newton undergoes a conversion, writes a glorious hymn, and at some point thereafter joins the anti-slavery movement.

George, here’s the symmetry: you, President of the United States ; a real powerful, influential guy. And your favorite hymn is this one by the slave trader turned abolitionist

But you’re the fellow that history will say did more to bring back slavery to the United States than any other person. Do you see it?

I know—you’re going to object that you have never said that you want to repeal the Civil War Amendments to allow people to own other people, just like they do sofas or a Crawford, Texas ranch or a baseball team.

You’ll say that you have never even dreamed of letting people go to the local Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of permanent helpers to plow the lower forty.

But George, let’s face it, life isn’t simple anymore. This is the twenty-first century. No one will put up with old-fashioned slavery, the sort where some guy says “I’m gonna buy me a slave over at the slave auction.”

I mean, George, that’s so nineteenth century. And you are, if anything a hep guy. The modern world demands adaptations, and so you’ve gone along with the Times... “Times” with a capital “T” as in New York Times because they’re with you 100 percent on immigration.

Let’s be real here George. No one who wants to bring back slavery will go whole hog say he wants people to “own” other people. The PR problems with that are really tough.

Even Tony Snow wouldn’t get very far at a press conference saying: “The President believes that having people own other people is the best way for America to solve its challenge of competing in the world markets.”

Nope. That won’t work. Why, even the word “slavery” evokes images of whips and chains and stuff like that. Avoid that “S” word like the plague.

Plus, look at the practical side of the matter. A guy who owns slaves has to make a huge investment. He has to buy them. And that’s not cheap.

Then, and here’s the big downside, he has to maintain them. That means feeding, clothing, housing… the works.

And then there’s the medical care. Holy smokes, imagine what that’d cost those guys at the Chamber of Commerce if they actually had to pay medical care to protect their investment.

Then there’s the tort liability issue. You got a slave and some Saturday night he breaks the law; just think of what the tort lawyers would do with that!

No way are the Chamber of Commerce guys sitting in their headquarters overlooking the White House going for actual ownership.

But you and the New York Times, you’ve got just the thing.

It’s the slimmed down, low cost, low maintenance, PR-friendly, liability-free, modern version of slavery.

It’s terrific. It avoids the “S” word completely, and it’s got all the advantages of real-deal slavery with absolutely none of the problems.

It’s called the “undocumented worker willing to do the jobs Americans won’t do” plan. The Chamber of Commerce loves it and so do you.

And Snow supports it because he knows he can peddle it to the voters without being embarrassed…at least, not too embarrassed.

Of course George, I know there’s more to neoslavery, (sorry, I slipped again, I meant “undocumented willing workers”) than that.

It isn’t enough for you to import desperate people, illegal aliens, from all over the world to displace American workers.

You and your Chamber of Commerce buddies are too greedy to let it go at that, so you encourage American firms to close down their US plants and move to China thereby depriving more Americans of good jobs.

That’s your plan to make even the native-born citizens desperate so they’ll take lower paying jobs... the only kind that are left.

Heck, pretty soon you got the most of the whole damn country enrolled in this new slavery thing.

I know what you’re saying: “I’m against slavery and I’m for securing the borders.”

But just between you and me, and I’m a Republican too, let’s talk straight. The people you are inviting to illegally cross our borders, and the Americans you’re pushing far down the economic ladder—they’re slaves.

You, George W. Bush, the most powerful guy in the world are doing everything you can to bring back slavery.

And your favorite hymn is Amazing Grace, written by a slave trader who evolved into an abolitionist.

But you…you probably started out opposed to slavery but now you’re the big kahuna who’s bringing it back.

Now do you see the symmetry?

Adios amigo.